The Bush Tapes
Money, Sex, Religion

Richard L. Lewis

    Lois and Supe are trying to save the country from Project Cretin, a cynical plot hatched in the late 50's at Skull and Bones to prove that Tocqueville was right: the best men do not become president. The hollowest scion of the ruling classes can be planted in the job with careful planning. It was determined at that historic New Haven meeting that to qualify as cretinous, a candidate would: fail in business despite the family rolodex; be a fraternity member; skirt problems with the law; be a cheerleader; be a religious fundamentalist; avoid the job market; avoid active military service-essential to overcoming reluctance to send citizens to destroy and be destroyed.
    Lois has discovered that the Walkers and the Bushes have long entrusted their domestic staffs to record their deliberations in the Heirloom Annals, which stretch back to the late '40's, and she has, at great personal and professional risk, penetrated Homeland Security to obtain copies of their voluminous transcripts, sealed from the public until the 24th century.
    George Walker Bush's inner life, the formative moments of his psyche, are captured in the transcripts below. This is a Golden Handcuffs scoop: we are aware of the risks we undergo in bringing these revealing tapes to light, but we trust that the ACLU and the aroused forces of liberal opinion will come to our defense, should Ashcroft's anointed troops come after us.

"Mommie, why are some people poor."
"They were born to it, Georgie."
"I don't understand, Mommie."
"Georgie, we all have our stations in life, some of us are born to be
rich and to serve the greater good, others are born to humble roles.
That's the way it is Georgie."
"But I thought we're all created equal, Mommie."
"Oh Georgie, you're so precocious!"
"What does psychosis mean, Mommie?"
"Precocious, Georgie, p-r-e-c-o-c-i-o-u-s. Write that down; it will be
one of your 10 words for Saturday."
"So all people are not created equal, Mommie?"
"No, Georgie, they aren't. And that means you and I just have to work
harder to make up for the weaknesses of others. That is our burden
Georgie. That's why your Dad works so hard, young man."
"But Mommie, they told me in school that all men are created equal.
They didn't say women, but they said all men, Mommie."
"Now you listen, Georgie, this is a very important lesson: there are
some things we know in our family that school just can't teach. School
is a good thing, but people like us to be guided by certain principles.
Your Dad and I will always guide you."
"I miss Daddy. What are the weaknesses in bad poor people he's working
so hard to make up for, Mommie?"
"Well, sonny, certain people are just shiftless."
"You mean like Cookie's husband?"
"Shush, Georgie, Cookie or Cleanie might hear you. But you're right.
He puts that poor dear sweet soul through hell."
"So what does Daddy do about that?"
"Well, we give Cookie a few extra dollars at the holidays; but that's
my point Georgie: there's nothing we can do, we just have to learn from
bad people's mistakes."
"Is he a bad man because he's a Negro?"
"Shh. Now don't be vulgar, sonny. We have to be nice to everyone, even
if they are weak."
"Are we being nice to Cookie's husband?
"No, Georgie, he has to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Everyone
has equal opportunity, Georgie; some people just don't take it."
"Cookie is so nice, but she sweats all over."
"Perspires, Georgie, sweats is vulgar."
"Cookie says, 'Lord, I'm sweating like a hog.'"
"Now you listen, sonny: you mustn't talk like Cookie or Cleanie. You
must speak proper English as Daddie and I do."
"Does she speak bad because she's Negro?"
"Georgie, you've got to be very careful about skin color. Never bring
the subject up."
"Why not? Is it vulgar?"
"That's right, Georgie. It's vulgar. People like you and me don't talk
about it."
"Am I better than Cookie and Cleanie?"
"You were born with certain privileges they will never enjoy."
"Wow, I'm a lucky boy. I'm better than lots of people."
"But remember, responsibility comes with privilege. You must always
work hard and be nice to everyone, no matter who they are, Georgie."

"This is fun Daddy. I don't get to be with you alone much."
"Well, son, there are certain things a man needs to tell his son man
to man, you know, like a man."
"Sure Dad."
"Like son do you know where you came from?"
"Well, I was born in Connecticut, but I'm a Texan and proud of it Dad."
"No, no, sonny, I mean how you were born?"
"Mommie says I was born better than poor people and black people."
"Did she, sonny, did she. Well you always need to listen to your
mother, and you need to respect everyone."
"Dad, I respect you more than anyone."
"Well, thanks, Georgie, thanks. But we're getting off target here. I
want to talk to you about how babies are made, about sexual facts."
"Oh boy, Dad."
"Well, sonny, has the little dingus between your legs ever gotten
bigger and done funny things?"
"Daddy, it does funny things all the time. It's real hard when I wake
up. Sometimes it just feels funny and I want to hold onto it."
"Never do that son. That will rot your brain."
"Daddy, I've touched it. Will my brain be OK?"
"I hope so, sonny, I hope so, but you should only touch your dingie
and your little ballies when you're washing, or when you're urinating.
Always remember to shake it dry when you're done so you don't soil your
underwear, and whether you sit or stand, always wash your hands."
"OK, Dad."
"So your little dingus. . ."
"Mommie calls it my penis, Dad."
"That's fine. That's fine.--So your little peenie gets hard sometimes?
"It sure does, Daddy."
"Well, that's important, son, you see, that's how we make babies."
"I make babies in my dingus? I thought Mommie made babies in her
"Whoa, big guy. Slow down. We're talking about something God gives us
all, something. . . "
"Did God create the earth and the animals and the people with His
"Slow down, Georgie, we're talking about sex, about men and women
getting together to make babies."
"You mean you and Mommie?"
"Son, this is not about me and your mother. It is about all husbands
and wives."
"You mean Mommie gets to see your peenie-I thought Mommies only looked
at their little boys' peenies."
"Georgie, please, be quiet now and listen to me."
"Sorry, Dad."
"So your peenie gets hard for a reason."
"Wow! That's cool Dad."
"It gets hard so that it can transfer seeds from your testicles, which
is what we should call your little ballies, into a woman's womb."
"I get it Dad, it's like I stick seeds on the end of my dingus and
plant them, kind of, right? Like when I go around the greenhouse with
Gardenie and he pokes the little seeds in the pots with his dirty
"Kinda, Sonny, kinda. What happens is that women have little slits
between their legs called vaginas, and that's where the hard dingus
puts the little seeds that come from your ballies."
"Wow! This is great Dad. I always wondered whether ladies grew
dinguses. When they wear bathing suits there's nothing there."
"That's right son. And when the dingus is inside the little slit, then
after a while the seeds flow out of it into the woman's womb, the
uterus where she has little eggs waiting."
"Mommie's full of eggs? No wonder she's been getting fat."
"GEORGE, never speak disrespectfully about your mother."
"Sorry, Dad, I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You'll learn, sonny, you'll learn. Now you know the reason why your
little peenie gets hard, and that's called an erection."
"Wow! An eruption, that's what it is! Can I make that a weekly
spelling word with Mommie, and that other one, the jemima, too?"
"Erection, Georgie. Please listen. The erection makes it possible for
the man to insert his peenie into the vagina, so that the seeds can
scoot into her womb to join the eggs and possibly conceive a baby."
"Wow. Does it hurt Mommie when you do that to her jemima?"
"Now, Georgie, I'm going to have to send you along to play on your new
scooter if you can't be quiet and listen. This is not about Mother and
me, it's about men and women, ok, sonny."
"Sorry, Dad."
"So the reason why your peenie sometimes feels funny is to make you
want to plant the seeds in your wife's womb-and that is how sex works,
son. And that's where babies come from."
"Yes, son."
"Isn't that kind of weird and disgusting?"
"Good question son. Now you know how there are certain things grownups
do that you can't yet, like smoking cigars and drinking alcohol and
playing golf, and they're no fun for you now? "
"Yeah, bourbon made me puke. I'm never going to drink.'
"Well, son, you'll make those important decisions at Exeter and Yale.
But this sex thing is the same way. It won't be disgusting to you when
the right time and the right woman come along. But that's a long way
off sonny, not till Yale or later. So now you know what sex is-I'll see
you at dinner time sonny. You run along and do whatever you do."
"Daddy, I promise I'll leave. But I'm really worried about one thing."
"Should I have my head examined. I'm really scared I've been touching
my dingus too much and my brain has rotted."
"Son, you'll be fine. Just don't do it any more. Now run along."
"Thanks, Dad."

"Yes, Georgie?"
"Mommie, I saw some funny-looking Chinese people in Look Magazine and
they have this big fat god called Bubba."
"Buddha, Georgie, Buddha."
"Well, Booba's not God, is he? He sure doesn't look like Jesus."
"Georgie, we need to respect the beliefs of other cultures."
"Yeah, OK, but they're wrong aren't they? I mean, Booba isn't really
God's son like Jesus is he?"
"Georgie, you and I know that Jesus is our savior, and our wonderful
Billy Graham helps us understand the Bible."
"I'll bet all those Chinese go to hell because they are wrong about
Jesus and they don't know Billy."
"I don't know, Georgie. I think God can be merciful."
"Yeah, but it says right in the Bible you can't have no gods but me. I
think all those people go to hell."
"I don't know, Georgie. When Billie comes to dinner tomorrow we'll ask
"Good, Mommie, I'll betcha I'm right. I'm so happy that God has chosen
you and me."
"Yes, Georgie, but you must always live so as to deserve your
"You got it, Mommie. But what about the Jews? Are they any good?"
"Georgie, you know they are the chosen people. They don't have Jesus
yet, but they started God's great mission on earth."
"The sheenies? You've got to be kidding Mommie?"
"George, NO vulgar racial epithets."
"But that's what Daddy's friends call them when they complain about
them pushing into business and wrecking their clubs."
"Now, now Georgie, you don't understand what happens when grownups
talk. You can't talk that way. And sometimes Daddy's friends get a
little carried away."
"I know, because they're drunk, right, Mommie? I'm never going to
drink. But what about the Jews? Are they OK?"
"Georgie, there are some wonderful Jews in the world. Daddy and I know
some of them, like Kay Graham's Dad. He and Grandpa were wonderful
friends in Connecticut. But there are some Jews who are pushy, and they
want to go places where they aren't wanted."
"Is that why Hitler wiped 'em out Mommie."
"Now, Georgie, you know Hitler was a bad man. Daddie fought against
him in his airplane?"
"But all Hitler's guys were white. What was so bad about them? I
thought our enemies all looked weird. I thought Daddie killed a bunch
of Japs."
"Sonny, Hitler was a bad, bad ugly little man, and he wanted to
conquer the world. But now the Germans and the Japanese are good
friends, and they hate communists just like us."
"So they became good guys because Daddy bombed them?"
"Oh, Georgie, how many questions are you going to ask me? Yes, Daddy's
bravery did its part to make the Germans and the Japanese into good
"Mommie, you know what I think God looks like?"
"Yes, Geogie?"
"I think he looks just like Gramp Prescott. I think he lives in a big
mansion up there just like ours."
"Oh, Georgie, you're so cute.
"Aw shucks, but look, Mother, I'm sure I'm right about all the Japs
and Jews and Booba people going to hell."